Local Revision: Wordiness

A common problem with essays and long projects is the assumption that the longer the piece is, the better it is. This is not always true. This blog will follow the revision of one paragraph from my project one draft.

Before:

"It is very easy to get wrapped up in the excitement of this new technology. While de-extinction is an amazing scientific concept and accomplishment, there are potentially negative aspects to consider. Dr. David Ehrenfeld points these out. David Ehrenfeld is a Biology professor at Rutgers University. He attended Harvard University for undergraduate and medical school. In 1963, he received his MD from Harvard. In 1967 he attended The University of Florida to further his career and receive a PhD in zoology."

After:

It is very easy to get wrapped up in the excitement of this new technology. While de-extinction is an amazing scientific concept and accomplishment, there are potentially negative aspects to consider. Dr. David Ehrenfeld, a Biology professor at Rutgers University, addressed these concerns. In 1963, he received his MD from Harvard. In 1967, he received a PhD in zoology.


The edited paragraph has been condensed. From the point of view of the audience, the second paragraph provides information on Dr. Ehrenfeld's credibility without dragging out unnecessary details. The second paragraph is better for that reason. It is more condensed and to the point. 

Argerich, Luis. "Before and After" 12/25/2010 via flickr. Attribution-NonCommercial 2.0 Generic